The Most Bizarre Bathroom at the University of Oregon

Welcome to the Furlough Files: A Blog in the Time of COVID-19.

Back when public bathrooms were still a thing, I wrote a review of one of the most wonderfully funky lavatories at the University of Oregon.

This was for a project called “The Poop Scoop,” which was started by some visionary friends of mine, Matt Dzwilewski and CJ Mann. They planned on collecting a ton of these reviews for the student population to enjoy.

Sadly, the project didn’t quite take off, but since we all wish we could return to campus (post-grad and undergrad, alike), I thought I’d take you all along on a magical journey to a washroom that you maybe never even knew existed: the Johnson Hall Basement Men’s Room.

I may just be a washed up, overly nostalgic alum, but Schill still better watch the porcelian throne.

Now, unless you’re the type to partake in a student-led political sit-in, there’s a chance you haven’t had the privilege of spending much time inside Johnson Hall. Much like the administration that inhabits it, Johnson really relies on the appearance of opulence. All those faux-stained glass windows and elegant oil paintings can’t quite cover up the fact that the whole building hasn’t really been updated since John Belushi murdered a horse in Dean Wormer’s office (Schill’s real-life conference room).

The hallowed “ADMINISTRATION BVILDING” is baroque as hell, but one special room still manages to stand out. Buried deep within the bowels (sorry) of the basement, is a men’s bathroom so uniquely gaudy that you’ll wonder if you ate some bad Sushi Island (RIP, apparently?) and woke up in the middle of a Hogwarts fever dream.

The “brass” fixtures and heavy duty wooden stall doors immediately set the lavatory apart from anything else you’ve seen on campus. My memory is a bit hazy, but I think that each of the stalls has its own step you need to use to climb up into the stall itself.

(And if I happen to be wrong about there being steps, its not like you can go take a picture and prove me wrong any time soon, so it looks like you’ll just have to take my word for it.)

Potential accessibility issues aside, you’d think a stall that is literally on a pedestal would boast one hell of a toilet, but no. The old-school tiny seats look like fake wood and make a training potty look luxurious by comparison. And to top it all off, I don’t even think these porcelain pretties are low-flow.

Conservation is key, at the U of O.

While its amenities are old and weird, the Johnson Hall basement men’s restroom is far and away one of the best-kept-secrets in Eugene. If your pooping is privy to privacy—or even if you don’t necessarily have to go at all—you should make it your mission in life to explore the place because it is the Wakanda of washrooms (once all this social distancing stuff is behind us, of course).

The Poop Scoop project also wanted to rate each restroom on a scale of 0-5, because a detailed, witty review wasn’t enough, apparently. So I guess I’ll play that game too.

If it were any other basic bathroom, in any other basic building, I would give it a rating of 2.5 out of 5. HOWEVER, I think the peculiarity of it all boosts it up to a 3.9/5.

As an added bonus, if you’ve ever been upset with the UO administration (maybe it has something to do with on-campus fees during an online semester?), there’s no better display of civil protest than visiting their personal bathroom and leaving a little revolution in the air (again, once this pandemic passes).

Long Live The Poop Scoop. RIP In Peace.

Go Ducks.